Whatcha Gonna Do(brother)When They Come For You?

So I was already late with this blog post, and I was really struggling to find a topic until I had a brief discussion with my friend, Tim Kluthe, about the elections tomorrow.  I’m not anywhere near an expert on politics, but I figured I’d try and bullshit my way through it in hopes I’d receive some hate mail. (because where’s the drama in people telling me how good my blog is all the time? Mix it up guys.) I arrived at home and disregarding the mental and emotional wounds attained from a royal chess raping at the hands of Tim, I enthusiastically fired up the computer and waited in anticipation for everything to load so I could finally update…Then I got distracted by facebook. -.- I scrolled and scrolled and refreshed and refreshed, much like one would open and reopen a refrigerator in hopes that the item you crave most would magically appear, then I came across a post from my dear friend Aaron Marshall. He had updated his blog!

*click!* “fuck…” Guess what readers- Aaron’s blog post was about the upcoming elections! Congratulations Aaron. You beat me to it. As reward you get free advertising at the end of my post.

There goes that idea. So what do I do now? I can’t just not update. That would be highly unprofessional of me, and I know that all my devoted readers would be crushed if they had to go another grueling day without a post.

So, I now bring to you:

BOBBY’S COP OUT UPDATE!

Special thanks to Aaron fucking Marshall.

As you all already know I was less than thrilled about Halloween this year, but thanks to the efforts of Stephanie Schmitt and Corey Goodman, (who both threw separate, totally sweet parties) my spirits were uplifted and my Halloween weekend blew away any and all negative expectations. I thank them both.

With Halloween came an entire week of horror movies and television shows. Over the past few years I had(and I’m sure all of you had as well) noticed the “it” theme with a lot of movies, shows, and costumes was vampires, but instead of wearing vests and capes and smearing red dyed corn syrup on their mouths, people were wearing deep V’s and globbing on ungodly amounts of body glitter and hair gel. Thankfully this year people got sick of that, and I think that this year the “it” theme was zombies.

We’ve all had our experiences with zombies in pop culture whether it be watching the old school Night of the Living Dead or spending hours and hours backtracking and putting puzzles together in the Resident Evil video games. (Sometimes I forgot there were even zombies to kill and/or avoid) The zombie thing has been around quite a while, but was overshadowed by other things such as the inexplicably popular stories created by a Mormon woman with a vampire fetish and whose idea of love is parallel to that of a six-year-old’s Barbie and Ken play session.  Some of the most popular zombie themed literature is survival guides. Seeing as they are some of the most popular, and this is after all a “cop out” post-here’s mine!

Step 1- Build a steel reinforced concrete underground shelter.

Step 2- Fill it with 2 years worth of supplies.

Step 3- Put in a bathroom and sanitation station. (haha, rhyming is fun)

Step 4- Help others around you do the same.

Step 5- RIDE THAT SHIT OUT!

Step 6- After two years resurface and repopulate

You’re probably thinking “Gee whiz Bobby, can it really be that simple?”

My answer to you is, “Fuckin-a.”

Think about it guys. If some sort of viral or bacterial outbreak occurs Mother Nature is going to take care of that shit. Have you ever incurred a flesh wound while in the great outdoors? Ever notice how quickly gnats swarm that thing? It’s because that’s what they eat! There are so many other things out there that eat flesh besides zombies! Zombies are mostly comprised of rotting flesh. To flies, gnats, mosquitoes, coyotes, wolves, bears, and any other kind of creepy crawler or wild creature you can think of a zombie on a hot summer day is like Ralphie May’s birthday dinner at an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Hell, I only suggested two years as a safety precaution, but it probably won’t take that long.

We should also take into account the weather. Natural disasters wipe out a fucking shit load of normal otherwise smart people every year. Zombies just wonder around like lost children at a Sam’s club. Just imagine that a hurricane is the situational equivalent of a weirdo trolling Sam’s club with promises of a van with airbrushed unicorns on the side filled with puppies, pillows, and Jolly Ranchers.

How about the world leaders and military? Do you honestly think that if the zombie apocalypse was taking place there wouldn’t be any “accidental” nuke discharges? World leaders are going to freak the fuck out and flip any amount of switches to wipe out everything and everyone else and save themselves, but guess what? You listened to me and built a fucking shelter and this doesn’t affect you one bit. The most disturbances you’ll get are low rumblings of white noise that’ll probably help you sleep better. Bye, bye insomnia. Besides crazy world leaders you also have the troops they send in first to waste ammo and feed the very thing threatening us. Even though hot metal pellets are next to useless against a hoard of brain hungry corpses I’m sure they’d take down a few.

So with all of these things considered why are people so frightened of the zombie apocalypse and why do movies, TV, and games portray it to be such a horrible struggle? Simple- Because logic doesn’t sell very well. Guns, blood, guts, fear, and Woody Harrelson do.

I guess in conclusion, unless a volcano decides to blossom directly underneath your bomb(zombie) shelter you’re going to be just fine. The hardest thing you’ll have to do is acquire all the shit necessary to build a shelter, and that’s easier said than done these days. I would suggest buddy-ing up to the owner of the nearest junk yard and the town crazy/conspiracy theorist. If you’re lucky it’ll be the same dude.

Oh yeah…As promised, here is a link to Aaron Marshall’s blog: http://thequasi-informativeinquirer.blogspot.com/