Short shit.

There isn't anything really going on with me right now. I don't watch the news or read the paper, so I have no current events I'd like to comment about....My dog is acting crazy. He's stumbling around the house like an autistic kid with an inner ear problem. That's about it. Since this is my shortest post ever and my dog's mental problems aren't entertaining, I'll give you more un-entertaining bullcrap as filler.


Um...Here's a list of short things:
-This post
-Short ribs
-Tom Cruise
-Ziggy
-Modern Warfare story modes
-Young humans
-Vbeck's clothes
-Yoda
-Martin Short
-Howard Moon's eyes
-Haiku
-Girl With a Pearl Earring by: Tracy Chevalier
-Blame Me-Dropping Daylight
-The Anglo-Zanzibar War
-James Madison
-Pauline Musters
-Gul Mohammed
-William Henry Harrison's term
-The work of Willard Wigan
-Eddie Gaedel
-Kenny Baker
-Herve Villechaize
-A mouse standing on another mouse's shoulders
-Pygmy marmosets

That's all for now. Leave comments of your favorite things and/or people that are short. Or don't, I don't really care.

Whatcha Gonna Do(brother)When They Come For You?

So I was already late with this blog post, and I was really struggling to find a topic until I had a brief discussion with my friend, Tim Kluthe, about the elections tomorrow.  I’m not anywhere near an expert on politics, but I figured I’d try and bullshit my way through it in hopes I’d receive some hate mail. (because where’s the drama in people telling me how good my blog is all the time? Mix it up guys.) I arrived at home and disregarding the mental and emotional wounds attained from a royal chess raping at the hands of Tim, I enthusiastically fired up the computer and waited in anticipation for everything to load so I could finally update…Then I got distracted by facebook. -.- I scrolled and scrolled and refreshed and refreshed, much like one would open and reopen a refrigerator in hopes that the item you crave most would magically appear, then I came across a post from my dear friend Aaron Marshall. He had updated his blog!

*click!* “fuck…” Guess what readers- Aaron’s blog post was about the upcoming elections! Congratulations Aaron. You beat me to it. As reward you get free advertising at the end of my post.

There goes that idea. So what do I do now? I can’t just not update. That would be highly unprofessional of me, and I know that all my devoted readers would be crushed if they had to go another grueling day without a post.

So, I now bring to you:

BOBBY’S COP OUT UPDATE!

Special thanks to Aaron fucking Marshall.

As you all already know I was less than thrilled about Halloween this year, but thanks to the efforts of Stephanie Schmitt and Corey Goodman, (who both threw separate, totally sweet parties) my spirits were uplifted and my Halloween weekend blew away any and all negative expectations. I thank them both.

With Halloween came an entire week of horror movies and television shows. Over the past few years I had(and I’m sure all of you had as well) noticed the “it” theme with a lot of movies, shows, and costumes was vampires, but instead of wearing vests and capes and smearing red dyed corn syrup on their mouths, people were wearing deep V’s and globbing on ungodly amounts of body glitter and hair gel. Thankfully this year people got sick of that, and I think that this year the “it” theme was zombies.

We’ve all had our experiences with zombies in pop culture whether it be watching the old school Night of the Living Dead or spending hours and hours backtracking and putting puzzles together in the Resident Evil video games. (Sometimes I forgot there were even zombies to kill and/or avoid) The zombie thing has been around quite a while, but was overshadowed by other things such as the inexplicably popular stories created by a Mormon woman with a vampire fetish and whose idea of love is parallel to that of a six-year-old’s Barbie and Ken play session.  Some of the most popular zombie themed literature is survival guides. Seeing as they are some of the most popular, and this is after all a “cop out” post-here’s mine!

Step 1- Build a steel reinforced concrete underground shelter.

Step 2- Fill it with 2 years worth of supplies.

Step 3- Put in a bathroom and sanitation station. (haha, rhyming is fun)

Step 4- Help others around you do the same.

Step 5- RIDE THAT SHIT OUT!

Step 6- After two years resurface and repopulate

You’re probably thinking “Gee whiz Bobby, can it really be that simple?”

My answer to you is, “Fuckin-a.”

Think about it guys. If some sort of viral or bacterial outbreak occurs Mother Nature is going to take care of that shit. Have you ever incurred a flesh wound while in the great outdoors? Ever notice how quickly gnats swarm that thing? It’s because that’s what they eat! There are so many other things out there that eat flesh besides zombies! Zombies are mostly comprised of rotting flesh. To flies, gnats, mosquitoes, coyotes, wolves, bears, and any other kind of creepy crawler or wild creature you can think of a zombie on a hot summer day is like Ralphie May’s birthday dinner at an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Hell, I only suggested two years as a safety precaution, but it probably won’t take that long.

We should also take into account the weather. Natural disasters wipe out a fucking shit load of normal otherwise smart people every year. Zombies just wonder around like lost children at a Sam’s club. Just imagine that a hurricane is the situational equivalent of a weirdo trolling Sam’s club with promises of a van with airbrushed unicorns on the side filled with puppies, pillows, and Jolly Ranchers.

How about the world leaders and military? Do you honestly think that if the zombie apocalypse was taking place there wouldn’t be any “accidental” nuke discharges? World leaders are going to freak the fuck out and flip any amount of switches to wipe out everything and everyone else and save themselves, but guess what? You listened to me and built a fucking shelter and this doesn’t affect you one bit. The most disturbances you’ll get are low rumblings of white noise that’ll probably help you sleep better. Bye, bye insomnia. Besides crazy world leaders you also have the troops they send in first to waste ammo and feed the very thing threatening us. Even though hot metal pellets are next to useless against a hoard of brain hungry corpses I’m sure they’d take down a few.

So with all of these things considered why are people so frightened of the zombie apocalypse and why do movies, TV, and games portray it to be such a horrible struggle? Simple- Because logic doesn’t sell very well. Guns, blood, guts, fear, and Woody Harrelson do.

I guess in conclusion, unless a volcano decides to blossom directly underneath your bomb(zombie) shelter you’re going to be just fine. The hardest thing you’ll have to do is acquire all the shit necessary to build a shelter, and that’s easier said than done these days. I would suggest buddy-ing up to the owner of the nearest junk yard and the town crazy/conspiracy theorist. If you’re lucky it’ll be the same dude.

Oh yeah…As promised, here is a link to Aaron Marshall’s blog: http://thequasi-informativeinquirer.blogspot.com/

Heathens

Hooray, it’s Halloween time! Candy, bonfires, costumes, and sinus infections! I usually love Halloween, but this year, for some reason, I’m feeling somewhat bitter towards it. My costume is Bob Sacamano-Kramer’s friend from the show Seinfeld that no one has ever seen. I’m fully aware that people know it’s just an excuse not to wear a costume, but at least it gets them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone about it. I used to get excited about what other people would be dressing as and listen intently to the details of each person’s costume. This year people come up to me and tell me about their costumes without me asking, and I can’t help but stare off into the distance thinking about literally anything else I’d rather be listening to. It really makes me uncomfortable when the person is really excited about their costume because they think it’s such a good idea. Then I have to pretend to be excited with them as not to hurt their feelings. I say things like, “Oh wow! You and your boyfriend are going as eggs and bacon?! Holy fucking shit. That’s cuter than bunnies, puppies, babies, and kittens having an orgy in an old English cottage!”  But really I’m thinking, “……oh. I could really go for a grand slam from Denny’s right now.”

Further adding to my depravity I have been trying to convince people to let me borrow their young children so that I could go trick-or-treating. The idea is to tell the people handing out candy that I’m the child’s father and he has a little brother who is sick at home and I’m collecting candy for the sick child. The trick is there is no sick child. Only a sad and deeply disturbed (possibly mentally ill) 23 year old 300+ pound rough looking Asian dude who just took advantage of a 5 year old in hopes of perpetuating his gluttony. I have been consistently asking people since July and I may very soon have to go door to door-not seeking candy, but fulfilling a court order and filling my neighbors in about a certain list on which my name has been lovingly stamped. One person out of the many finally gave me permission to use her son, but my stupid fucking conscience started making me feel dead inside, so I declined and pretended I was joking. Hahaha….fuck me.

If there is one bright spot about Halloween this year it is that I still live on a hill that no child or hoodlum preteen will attempt to scale in order to obtain a fun sized Snickers. I don’t like it when kids come to my house for candy.  Kids today aren’t willing to do anything for their candy. They ring the doorbell and hold out their pillow cases or shitty jack-o-lantern buckets, sometimes not even saying “trick-or-treat,” and expect me to tell them how adorable their rotting corpse outfit is as I shower them with pallets of Smarties. Fuck that. When I was a child I estimate that I had to do some sort of trick at about 20% of the houses I visited, whether it be a joke, or a song verse, or a riddle, or closing my eyes and sucking a mysterious liquid from a tube. It felt like I was being rewarded-like I had earned that fucking tootsie pop, and that made it all the more sweet. Try that shit on Halloween this year, and I guarantee that you get a carton of eggs broken on your Volvo. Thanks for sharing your spoils from the harvest this year, fuckers! Trick-or-treating started out as children going from house to house in their neighborhood and saying prayers for the residence in exchange for little cakes. If any assholes try to toilet paper or shaving cream my shit they’re going to need prayer. Fuck the cake.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Super awesome blog bonanza #1!

This is the first post of my new blog. This isn’t my first blog and I really hope it doesn’t end up like all the others. They start off really well-I’ll write multiple whole paragraphs about real issues or interesting things that have happened to me, however it doesn’t last. I see that nobody is reading and the posts get shorter and shorter eventually being reduced to lists of shit I didn’t do that I should have done and lyrics to Bright Eyes songs that I like. Anyway, here’s to consistently updating and maybe even advertising my new blog!

^ That wasn’t the actual post. That was just my introduction to the new blog…My post prologue.  This isn’t the real post either. This is just the explanation of the prologue to my first post. I’m starting to understand why my previous blogs went unread. Anyway…Here goes.

Lately I have been judging the personalities of other people by what animals they like. For example, I will show you a recent Facebook status update from someone I know. The name has been changed to protect identities.

“we took Eli to the zoo for the first time saturday! he liked the bears and giraffes,and he thought the orangutans were scary. had a date night with the hubby tonight! we had a great weekend! I love my little family! :)”

Cute right? My first thoughts were, “your baby is probably a homosexual racist hipster.” What the fuck? I can break it down for you. 

He is a...

Homosexual-Likes bears

Racist-Doesn’t like orangutans

Hipster-The combination of liking bears and giraffes

For some of you, that will make a little sense, but why is this the first place my mind goes? I blame T-shirt manufacturers and consumers…Or maybe I’m the homosexual racist hipster?