Heathens

Hooray, it’s Halloween time! Candy, bonfires, costumes, and sinus infections! I usually love Halloween, but this year, for some reason, I’m feeling somewhat bitter towards it. My costume is Bob Sacamano-Kramer’s friend from the show Seinfeld that no one has ever seen. I’m fully aware that people know it’s just an excuse not to wear a costume, but at least it gets them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone about it. I used to get excited about what other people would be dressing as and listen intently to the details of each person’s costume. This year people come up to me and tell me about their costumes without me asking, and I can’t help but stare off into the distance thinking about literally anything else I’d rather be listening to. It really makes me uncomfortable when the person is really excited about their costume because they think it’s such a good idea. Then I have to pretend to be excited with them as not to hurt their feelings. I say things like, “Oh wow! You and your boyfriend are going as eggs and bacon?! Holy fucking shit. That’s cuter than bunnies, puppies, babies, and kittens having an orgy in an old English cottage!”  But really I’m thinking, “……oh. I could really go for a grand slam from Denny’s right now.”

Further adding to my depravity I have been trying to convince people to let me borrow their young children so that I could go trick-or-treating. The idea is to tell the people handing out candy that I’m the child’s father and he has a little brother who is sick at home and I’m collecting candy for the sick child. The trick is there is no sick child. Only a sad and deeply disturbed (possibly mentally ill) 23 year old 300+ pound rough looking Asian dude who just took advantage of a 5 year old in hopes of perpetuating his gluttony. I have been consistently asking people since July and I may very soon have to go door to door-not seeking candy, but fulfilling a court order and filling my neighbors in about a certain list on which my name has been lovingly stamped. One person out of the many finally gave me permission to use her son, but my stupid fucking conscience started making me feel dead inside, so I declined and pretended I was joking. Hahaha….fuck me.

If there is one bright spot about Halloween this year it is that I still live on a hill that no child or hoodlum preteen will attempt to scale in order to obtain a fun sized Snickers. I don’t like it when kids come to my house for candy.  Kids today aren’t willing to do anything for their candy. They ring the doorbell and hold out their pillow cases or shitty jack-o-lantern buckets, sometimes not even saying “trick-or-treat,” and expect me to tell them how adorable their rotting corpse outfit is as I shower them with pallets of Smarties. Fuck that. When I was a child I estimate that I had to do some sort of trick at about 20% of the houses I visited, whether it be a joke, or a song verse, or a riddle, or closing my eyes and sucking a mysterious liquid from a tube. It felt like I was being rewarded-like I had earned that fucking tootsie pop, and that made it all the more sweet. Try that shit on Halloween this year, and I guarantee that you get a carton of eggs broken on your Volvo. Thanks for sharing your spoils from the harvest this year, fuckers! Trick-or-treating started out as children going from house to house in their neighborhood and saying prayers for the residence in exchange for little cakes. If any assholes try to toilet paper or shaving cream my shit they’re going to need prayer. Fuck the cake.

Happy Halloween everyone!